cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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