Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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