i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
