The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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