She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
