i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
