it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
