Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
