That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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