So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
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I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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