Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
