Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
