Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
