I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
my poor anus
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
