I faked an abortion last night.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
