you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
