Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
