She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
