Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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