Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
