Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
