one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The best revenge is premature balding
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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