I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
