Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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