My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
