At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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