she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm like, not good at living.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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