so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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