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and she was petting her beer can
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
