I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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