I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i need some magic done to my vagina
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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