On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
