i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
