i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
