my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
