Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
