6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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