im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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