I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
