I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
These tits shall not be calmed
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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