So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
