So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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