Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
