Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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