we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
vagina is talking i cant
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
