You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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