we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We talked him into tasing himself.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
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If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.