I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
