it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
