my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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