can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
