He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize