I just saw a hot homeless man
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
