Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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