i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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